The AntiSue Agency!
by Steampunkish
Summary: You would be a sue if it happened to you. And you'd be in the Anti-Sue Agency if you were tired of Harry Potter's children with shimmering eyes and pierced... Things.
1. The Introduction!

**The Anti-Sue Agency**

Chapter One: The Introduction!

**Story summery:**

A group of students attending Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry are tired of the many students appearing that are 'perfect'. It seems that there is only one spell you need to know to stop these so called Mary Sues; "_Stopius Marisuius!"_

A/N: This is basically a Sue parody of sorts. I hope you enjoy seeing these Sue's being busted. Oh, and I know that when I describe Sue's I'm going to contradict myself. I'm just trying to act like a Suethor…

Oh, and another note. This takes place about twenty years after Harry graduates Hogwarts; and this is assuming Harry and the lot don't die in the last book.

Oh #III: Want me to include a MS or other character into this story? Just drop me a line!

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Two people sat in a small table at Madam Puddifoot's. One of them was a girl that had radiant waves of golden ebony hair that reached down to the small of her back, and eyes as blue as a cesspool. Opposite of her was a boy with dark green hair that came down around his shoulders, and honey colored eyes. They both had large smiles on their faces, and they were chatting.

"So, you were abandoned at birth by your father?" The boy asked, still with a smile on his face,

"Yeah; it is really tragic, though now that I learned I am a witch my life is great now. Especially now that I know that I am already better then Dumbledore and Voldemort combined at magic…" She said; her smile even larger then the boy's goofy smile. The boys look then got serious,

"Listen, Marie-Superflowa-Raven, I have something very serious to say." The boy said, getting down on one knee, looking her in the eyes.

"Yes Kevin baby?" She asked, thinking he was going to propose. After all, they were already on the second date!

"I… Am a member of the Anti-Sue agency! You have been found guilty of being a… SUE!" The boy, Kevin, said, all of a sudden the room erupted in a burst of motion, several people ran toward Kevin and pulled out badges that looked slightly like a police badge, but with the initials _'ASA'_ on them. Marie-Superflowa-Raven gasped,

"But… But… But… I THOUGHT YOU LOVED ME!" She screamed as she was being handcuffed by several people and dragged out.

A girl with long black hair walked up to Kevin,

"You know Kev," She started, "You really are a piece of work ya know?" She finished, she had a slight valley girl accent, Kevin nodded with an evil grin.

"Yeah," He said before breaking out laughing, the girl shook her head before walking out of the café.

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Later that day Kevin walked up to a door on the sixth floor of Hogwarts castle; he knocked on the door, already knowing it was locked. A few seconds later the door opened,

"Wot's the password?" A boy with teal colored hair and quite a few scars and bandages asked with a grin to Kevin, Kevin rolled his eyes,

"I'm going to report you to Gossamer if you don't knock it off Jesse." Kevin said pushing his way past the boy.

"Close 'nuf…" He said as he was pushed aside. The boy, Jesse, went back and locked the door before returning to a desk that had no sharp corners on it. Kevin continued walking over to a desk with a little plaque on it that had the words '_Kevin Prefect. Wannabe Van Helsing.'_ Flashing on it. He rolled his eyes and saw the girl with long black hair grinning and waving,

"_You try to kill a Vampire once, and you've earned yourself a new title! Well… Actually twice… And the Vampire being your best friend… And I suppose my great whatever times fold grandfather was Van Helsing doesn't help either I suppose…_" He thought before picking up the plaque and throwing it towards the girl, Gossamer, unfortunately, Kevin's aim stinks. It ended up hitting someone else, a loud scream was heard as Kevin realized who he hit.

"OMG" Kevin said, actually saying the letters o, m, and g. "I am so sorry Jesse, I wasn't aiming at you this time! I swear!" He added, running over toward the now heavily bleeding boy, where Gossamer already was.

"It's OK Kevin, I'm used to it…" Jesse said as he put one of his many rags against his head, it seemed that whenever something bad happened, it was to Jesse. "I'm going to go to the infirmary wing now, please refrain from wounding me even more. Thank you." He added, getting up and walking out of the door,

"Well?" Gossamer said, looking at Kevin with her eyebrows raised.

"I don't do guilt." Kevin said as he went back to his desk. Gossamer shook her head as she ran out of the room after Jesse, mainly because he probably would have fallen down the stairs or something with out help.

Kevin sighed, looking around. "_We seriously need more people…"_ He thought before getting an idea and running out of the room with a somewhat mischievous look on his face.

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Gossamer and Jesse were returning from Madam Pomfry's office when they saw several signs on the hall walls that read something like this:

"_Do you think the amount of people coming to this school is perfect? Are you amazed how much of a man whore Professor Harry Potter must be to have so many children? Or stunned by the amount of people that are Dumbledore's grand children? Have all of the things listed here disgust you? Then come on down to room number 777, and apply for a position at **The Anti Sue Agency!** Remember, we might not be perfect. But that's the point!"_

Gossamer gasped,

"Oh no he didn't…" Gossamer said, her valley girl accent shining threw slightly again. She shook her head as Jesse continued re reading it. He simply chuckled and shook his head,

"That boy is going to put Gryffindor in the negatives by the end of the year…" Jesse said, grabbing Gossamer by the arm, and continued walking; she seemed to be completely dazed by this. "And don't act so surprised by this Ms. I'm going to poison the school food…" He added; referring to something Gossamer had done in her first year.

"That year of detention was so worth it…" She muttered, pulling her arm away from Jesse. She could almost hear the professors now "_Mr. Prefect, how DARE you disrespect authority! Don't you ever call Professor Potter that again!"_ Gossamer snickered as she got to the room. Jesse knocked on the door,

"NOPE! I'M NOT LETTING YOU IN!" Kevin shouted playfully, Gossamer rolled her eyes.

"Kevin, I suggest you open the door now or you will very much regret it." Gossamer said, pulling out her wand.

"OK THEN GARLIC BREATH!" Kevin shouted from inside. Jesse snickered at that, he know knew why he was acting like that.

"Kevin; were you sniffing the glue again?" Jesse asked as Gossamer opened the door with a spell.

"No… Not this time at least…" Kevin muttered jokingly. He wasn't lying; he just had way too much sugar while making the posters.

They then continued on the rest of the day, sorting their 'Sue Files'; and having a good laugh at some of those people, whose perfection was their mistake. They continued having a merry old time until a knock was heard on the door and a screaming of

"KEVIN PREFECT!" Was heard from out side; at this Kevin went running out the door, trying to avoid the 'fuzz' as he so called them…


	2. Lovegood, Lovebad, or Lovegoof?

**The Anti-Sue Agency**

Chapter Two: Lovegood, Lovebad, or Lovegoof,

A/N: I have a head ache from reading to many Mary Sue stories over the past days. I really dislike the title of the chapter, though I snicker about Rayven, considering she is one of my friend's actual characters.

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Several days had past since the 'Kevin running away from a teacher and sounding like a monkey' incident. After they caught him, they took some points from Gryffindor and gave him detention for a while, but he didn't really show any notice at this. Meanwhile, in front of the room numbered 777 a girl paced. She had light brown hair that was wavy and relatively long, and her eyes were dark yellow.

The girl continued pacing before deciding to knock on the door. A short while later she heard a voice say

"We are very sorry. Unfortunately we are not able to--- KEVIN PUT THAT KNIFE DOWN NOW!--- Answer your inquiry right now. Probably because Kevin did something stupid. After the tone, please tell us your business with us. BEEP!" The voice sounded slightly familiar to her, but she shrugged it off. She then started talking to a door.

"Uhh… Hi, I'm Stella, second year Ravenclaw, and I'd like to join; mainly because I know like fifty Weasley-Potter-Malfoys… Thanks, bye." Stella said with a small smile on her face, several people passed by while she was talking to the door and looked at her oddly, she was used to it. The girl then walked away, her eyes now a light blue.

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Later that day, Kevin and Gossamer were muttering obscenities and bad things about each other as they entered the room. The saw that their message system had worked, amazingly; the system pretty much had a quill enchanted to write things that people said after they knocked on the door. They quickly read threw it, Kevin groaned,

"Not _her_!" Kevin said, pointing to a message that a Ms. Stella had left.

"And who is 'her'?" Gossamer asked as Kevin started rooting through his bag. He then pulled out a magazine that had the word 'Quibbler' written on the top. Gossamer got the hint,

"She's _her_ daughter?" Gossamer asked, furrowing her eyebrows.

"Her full name is probably 'Stella Raven-Darkness-Schizophrenia Lovegood' or something long like that Kevin muttered as a knock was heard on the door. Gossamer walked over and opened the door a crack, seeing Stella. She opened the door a little wider then a crack,

"Yes?" Gossamer asked, hoping this wasn't Stella.

"I'm here to join The Anti-Sue Agency!" Stella said excitedly, and with a large smile, Gossamer sighed a somewhat annoyed sigh,

"Come in…" She said stepping aside and opening the door fully. Stella nodded and walked in the room, looking around and seeing Kevin,

"Oh no… Not _him_" Stella muttered, eying Kevin with a frown. Gossamer then rooted through the drawers at her desk as Kevin and Stella exchanged umm… Pleasantries.

"Lovegood." Kevin said, walking over to Stella,

"Prefect." Stella said, standing up straighter then she was before "Steal anything lately? Or maybe you threw something at Myrtle." Stella added before Gossamer piped in

"Ah ha!" Gossamer said excitedly, pulling out a small pile of paper work. "OK, Stella I'm guessing. I need you to fill these out." Gossamer added handing the pile to Stella, who just blinked. She nodded and walked over to a bench in the corner and took a quill out of her bag, starting to write in answers to the questions.

After a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, a familiar scream was heard from the hall. Gossamer and Kevin sighed simultaneously before Gossamer muttered

"What did he do this time?". She walked over to the door and opened it, seeing a familiar teal haired figure scrawled on the floor,

"What did you do?" Gossamer asked somewhat panicked,

"Some one managed to electrify the door!" He groaned, occasionally twitching. As suddenly as he was down though, he was back up with a smile on his face. "So, wot's up doc?" He said, walking in the now open door. Gossamer furrowed her eyebrows in confusion before walking in the door, and closing it behind her.

After a little while, every thing was quiet, but not for long.

"I'm done!" Stella said, jolting up and walking over to Gossamer's desk and plopping the paper work down.

"Thank you, I hate potions…" Gossamer muttered to herself as she put a smile on, "All looks in order, welcome to the Anti Sue Agency!" Gossamer said louder, so that Stella could actually hear. Kevin, who was looking at the latest problem Sue, shot up immediately,

"WHAT?" He yelled, "DON'T I GET ANY SAY IN THIS?" Gossamer smiled evilly,

"No… No you don't." Gossamer said matter of factly. Kevin started muttering about how he was going to put a bunch of garlic in her bed, or how he would swap her pumpkin juice for holy water during breakfast. Stella simply stood there, not really sure what to do as she looked at her wrist, even though she didn't have a watch,

"Eek, I have class next period, later. And don't let the crumple horns bite!" Stella said, running out of the room, well, running into a door first, but then out of the room.

"So," Gossamer said, deciding to change topics, "Who's your latest victim?" She asked, because knowing Kevin, the Sue was lucky if they got off alive.

"Oh, this one will make you vomit," Kevin started,

"I certainly 'ope not, as I would probably be the one to clean it up." Jesse muttered, considering himself he would probably poison everyone in the room with the cleaning stuff,

"Yeah, her name is Rayven Sherrill Greyback." Kevin said, ignoring Jesse's comment, he started to grin as he saw Gossamer's face distort into a rather large frown,

"Greyback?" Gossamer said, "That's the first Greyback, I'm guessing she's Finrir's daughter?"

"Yep," Kevin said, the grin continuing to grin,

"You do know Finrir, like, mauled one of my aunts, yes?" Gossamer asked, her valley girl accent yet again surfacing. Kevin simply nodded, "So, what crimes against humanity is she guilty against?" Gossamer added, sighing.

"Well, first of all, she's a Gryffindor." Kevin said, shaking his head slightly.

"Need I know more?" Gossamer asked, already sensing where this one was going. Kevin just shook his head as he got up, walking out the door, looking to run into Ray Greyback.


	3. The Only Real Goffik

"Greyback, come out to play!" Kevin shouted as he entered the Gryffindor common room. He paused for a second before looking at his (Not working) watch. "Oh yeah… No electric work-y thing…" He muttered, looking around the common room. No one was in it, probably as they were in class. Kevin shrugged as he went out through the portrait, his arms crossed. As he walked slowly to his next class, he sung very quietly (And off key) to himself "They see me mowin', my front law-" He muttered before being ran into by a girl.

"Effing idiot, how dare you run into me! The rebel Rayven!" The girl shouted, shoving a finger in his face. "If you don't stop it I'll send my big brother Nny after you! Or I'll get my boyfriend Kurt to teleport you underwater! Or was my boyfriend Evra Von… Or was it Edward Elric… Or was it Squee… Or was it Senior Diablo… Or was it Darren Shan… Or was it Steve Leopard… I forget! Or I'll wait until the moon is full an-" She continued on, Kevin rolled his eyes

"Stop crossing into different universes, it upsets me to hear how my favorite characters hit you over the head." He said, shifting around his robe pockets, looking for his wand "Now if you just wait a second I'll send you to a universe where you could talk about… Clothes or makeup… Or something like that!" He added, still searching.

"Eww… Are you a prep or something? Because you say 'like' a lot! Get away from me you stupid prep!" She hissed while twirling her long black hair. Her black hair ran to the small of her back. Covering her body was not a robe, or any other required clothing. It was actually covered by a black and red outfit, mainly leather and probably purchased from Hot Topic.

Kevin looked up. "Nope. That would be you. I take pride in being a nerd. Even if I do get beaten up a lot…" He said, muttering the last part. "Ah ha! Found it!" He nearly shouted as he pulled his wand from his pocket. "You are going bye bye now… Thank quote on quote 'Satan'." He exclaimed, using an apparently popular 'goff' expression.

"But Kevie baby… Don't you remember the time we leveled together in WoW? Even if I did completely pwn you!" She said with a false sweetness,

"Oh no you didn't just go and warp my past you little-!" He started before being interrupted.

"'Evin, maybe you should just go 'efore Ray… Does somethin' not to pleasing to you…" A familiar voice from behind him announced. Rayven just rolled her eyes as Kevin turned around

"Jesse, unless you want more sharp objects find their way towards your head I suggest _you_ leave." Kevin spat, for some reason being around Ray made him turn angsty.

"Umm… Guys…" Ray said, as though something was wrong.

"Shut up Rayven!" Kevin semi shouted, Jesse shrugged

"Doesn't matter much anymore I guess!" He said somewhat cheerfully as he walked back toward his class.

Kevin started muttering as he turned around, somewhat taken aback by what he saw. What he saw was not Rayven. It was another female, namely Gossamer Anima Feagreen.

"I can take care of my own business!" Kevin said with a small pout.

"Kevin, if you ever pout in my general direction again; you will not have a head to pout with." Gossamer said calmly as she put her wand in her pocket.

"And how did you do that anyways, you don't know non verbal magic, you're a second year!" Kevin said walking after Gossamer.

"It's not called non-verbal magic, it's called talking quietly. You, of course, have no idea what it is." She muttered and Kevin furrowed his eye brows.

"Wait, aren't you supposed to be in class?" He asked, suddenly changing subjects.

"I got permission from Mr. Potter to come and hunt you and Jesse down; as considering your less then bad attendance record…" She muttered angrily as she started going down the stairs.

"Stupid Mr. Potter and his attendance…" Kevin said under his breath. They were silent until they reached the dank dungeons, which would be where their class was.

"Now Kevin. Please speak human today, as _I_ would probably get in trouble just because I gave you something that made you bark a long time ago…" Gossamer said as she turned around and looked at Kevin.

"But it was just last we-" Kevin started to say, but before he could finish Gossamer shoved him in the class room. The classroom was sparsely decorated, but was surprisingly inviting considering it was the dungeons.

"Hello Kevin, want to sit down now, or wait a while today?" Said the teacher at the front of the class room.

The teacher had messy jet black hair; green almond shaped eyes, and rounded thick rimmed glasses. There are thousands of people with those traits though, but only one with the distinguished lightning bolt scar in the center of his forehead. Kevin walked toward the front of the classroom, looking at various people he knew. After he looked at his (Still not working) watch he sat down slowly. He looked around again and saw everyone else was already working on whatever their assignments were. He shrugged and picked up the knife and stick that was on his desk and started randomly cutting it, pretending it was Rayven.


	4. Song Fic Fix

A/N: Hello, please enjoy the ride and ignore certain people who comment. They don't know who they are, though it's probably not you. I think I found songs that failed to have the honor of being made into a song fic, with the possible exception of My Immortal (Which was barely mentioned.) Also, please enjoy the ride, and don't feed the characters or sues.

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After a while, most classes were all over; and our protagonists were having the final meeting of the Anti Sue Agency for the week. As they were speaking of the newest sue fashions (Just to freak out Kevin), they started to hear a song playing in the air.

_Don't wanna be a Canadian Idiot  
Don't wanna be some beer-swillin' hockey nut  
And do I look like some frost-bitten hose head?  
I never learned my alphabet from A to Zed_

"What the..." Gossamer started to mutter before being interrupted by Kevin,  
"Hey! Song in the air! If you're going to play Weird Al, choose a song that isn't based off a wangsty band!" He shouted, waving his fist in the air. As the song continued playing, Stella sat in the corner of the room, a slightly confused look in her face.

"Excuse me... But what is 'Weird Al'?" She asked, turning her head sideways slightly, though she was ignored as Gossamer hit Kevin over the head.

"HEY! I like Green Day..." She said, "You're just like your sister 'Call the EMO wagon!' She would say about Green Day... Heh... I rhymed!" Gossamer continued before shooting a glare at Kevin, who simply smiled his normal twisted smile. Amazingly enough though, his pleas DID go heard as the song switched.

_I'm an emo kid, non-conforming as can be  
You'd be non-conforming too if you looked just like me  
I have paint on my nails and make-up on my face  
I'm almost emo enough to start shaving my legs  
'Cause I feel real deep when I'm dressing in drag  
I call it freedom of expression, most just call me a fag  
'Cause our dudes look like chicks, and our chicks look like dykes  
'Cause emo is one step below transvestite!_

Gossamer rolled her eyes, "STUPID SONG!" She shouted waving her hands in the air. She then got a somewhat mischievous look on her face as she tried to think of the most obnoxious song she could. One that would REALLY irritate Kevin. She smiled as she remembered the one song Kevin would try to kill her for. "King for a day!" She shouted, hoping that the person choosing the songs knew which one she was talking about. Amazingly enough, it did.

_GI Joe in panty hose,_

_Is making room for the one and only..._

_King for a day, princess by dawn  
King for a day in a leather thong  
King for a day, princess by dawn  
Just wait 'til all the guys get a load of me_

Whilst Stella and Jesse sat in the corner, talking to each other trying to figure out what was happening, and what the heck a 'Weird Al' or 'Emo', or another muggle pop culture reference was. After a short while though, it seems Stella figured it out and piqued in,

"Oh! Weird Al must be one of the members of the Weird Sisters brother! Duh! Play 'This is the Night' by The Weird Sisters then!" She spurted out, a smile on her face like the smiles you see on people when they just figured out a really hard math problem. As Kevin and Gossamer looked at her with a really weird (Pun not intended) look on their face, a different song started playing.

_The moon throws down its light  
And cuts me to the quick tonight  
Change is in the air  
Nothing will never be the same  
You still look good to me  
Ooh, but you're no good to me  
I close my eyes  
And it's squeezing from my consciousness  
And in the morning when I wake  
I walk the line  
I walk it straight  
But the morning's so many miles away  
You've got now_

Kevin was completely lost, as he had no idea about ANY wizard pop culture, and Gossamer wasn't really better off. As Jesse and Stella continued to talk about different Weird Sisters songs, Gossamer and Kevin were discussing how to stop the songs. After a while, Kevin got an idea and took a 'Magifone 2003' out of his pocket, this device looked suspiciously like a cell phone.

"Kevin... How many times do I have to tell you..." Gossamer started saying in a soft tone to Kevin, who was dialing a long number on the phone. "Electronics don't work at Hog-" She continued, but she was interrupted as Kevin started talking.  
"Hello, is this Alex?" Kevin chattered, after a few seconds of silence, a voice came out of the phone.

"Kevin?" It asked with a slight German accent, "Why are you calling me at this time of night? You need to learn about a thing called TIME ZO-" The voice muttered like it was just awoken from a good dream, Kevin interrupted.

"Yeah yeah, I know you were having dreams about me and you and cruising down a river, I already told you, I don't swing that way! Anyways, remember how you told me once that at Durmstrang there was this really annoying thing that played songs ALL day long?" Kevin asked, picking at his fingernails slightly while Stella and Jesse continued playing with the 'jukebox'. The voice on the other end of the line made an irritated sound,

"Kevin, I know you know I'm gay; but NO, I most definitely DO NOT have a crush on you! And yes, I remember mentioning it..." The voice screamed, his tone dropping slightly towards the end. "Wait... You have it now right?" He laughed before shouting "Ich Bin Nich Ich!" Kevin raised his eye brows

"Blesh you." He said as the song changed yet again.

_Ich bin nich´ ich wenn du nich´ bei mir bist  
Dann bin ich allein  
Und das was jetzt noch von mir uebrig ist  
So will ich nich´ sein  
Drauss´n haengt der Himmel schief  
Und an der Wand dein Abschiedsbrief  
Ich bin nich´ ich wenn du nich´ bei mir bist  
Dann bin ich allein_

Kevin growled "How... Do... You... Get... It... To... STOP!" He screamed, feeling the sudden urge to hit something. Alex's voice came through the phone along with a bit of an odd mixture of a giggle and a laugh.

"Well, you could always sacrifice someone with green hair... That one works most of the time... Or you could just tell it like, fifty songs at once. That should get it to stop." There then was a noise heard from the back ground, a Swedish woman could be heard yelling. "And I have to go; as my friend is yelling at me for waking her up. Now I'm going to be fed my eye balls. Thanks a lot." Alex said before hanging up the phone. As the line went dead, Kevin hung up also and shoved the phone back in his pocket.

"By what means was that even POSSIBLE?" Gossamer asked, giving Kevin an odd glance.

"DO NOT QUESTION IT!" Kevin shouted, writhing on the ground slightly before getting up and yelling out "OK! Everyone! Request a million songs now!" before letting out a large spew of songs him self.

"MIA!" Someone said,

"Do the Hippogriff!"  
"Just Push Play!"

"Saint Jimmy!"

"My Immortal!" Someone shouted, at this point, everyone shut up in an eerie silence. While they shut up, the song playing thing started playing a horrible mixture of these songs; it sounded about like what would happen if you mixed Korn, Marilyn Manson, MCR, GC, Evanescence, and any other band like that. After a short while of this, an explosion was heard and the voice of someone saying:

_We are sorry, this songfic has blown up. If you wish to order another, start finding less horrible songs. Thank you._

Everyone was silent for a while, rejoicing in it. After a while of this though, they all looked around, and wished each other a good night before retreating to their respective dormitories.

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_A/N: Songs used/mentioned:_

_Listed in order of appearance._

_Canadian Idiot – Weird Al Yankovic_

_The Emo Song – Adam and Andrew_

_King for a Day – Green Day_

_This is the Night – 'The Weird Sisters'_

_Ich Nich Bin Ich – Tokio Hotel_

_M.I.A – Avenged Seven Fold_

_Do the Hippogriff – 'The Weird Sisters'_

_Just Push Play – Aerosmith_

_Saint Jimmy – Green Day_

_My Immortal – Evanescence_


	5. And A Villian is Introduced

A/N: Hello! This chapter is EXTREMELY short, sorry! The next chapter will be longer I assure you. Oh yes, and warning, this chapter may contain a teeny bit of plot! Good luck with that!

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While our (Quote on quote) heroes were having the time of their lives in their common room of choice, things were stirring in the 'lower' wings; namely one hidden a long ways under the dungeons. In this small area, hundreds of life forms were stuffed. Some were wearing bright colors, screaming about the icky darkness; others were wearing dark colors mainly, and were complaining loudly about the 'prepz', and various other things. Despite the shade of their clothing, they all seemed to agree on one thing; it stunk there. As the voluptuous crowd muttered about the impending doom they would all surely face, one stood up on a wooden crate (Which seemed to just pop out of nowhere).

"Friends and foes! Preps, posers, goths, and all others! Listen to me tell you what to do!" The girl shouted, she had knee length black hair with red streaks, and blood red eyes. Her outfit was the 'normal' fare, a nano-mini skirt in black, and various other things covered in cuts. Her teeth were filled to points, as were her fingernails. Her fangs were bared into a snarlish-smile, she had the look of someone who had a plan. "I have a plan, a plan that will get us out of this HEAVEN HOLE!" She roared, looking for something to throw out into the crowd, the first thing she saw was something in some prep's hair (Which she immediately grabbed and threw in the eyes of the person closest to her).

As the girl started speaking, things had gotten slightly quieter, but by the end of her mini-rant the entire room was silent, and all eyes were on her. A somewhat meek looking girl was pushed forward, apparently as some form of a test rat.

"Wh- Who are you?" She stuttered, a scared look in her eyes. The other girl looked to her, her snarl still on.

"Who am I? I am called Amerithina, though that's of no importance. I am the one that's going to save your pitiful souls from THIS place..." Amerithina growled at the girl (Who fainted). As the crowd began to swarm around 'Amer', she started to speak of the plan she had devised, the plan that was going to save all the sues from eternal damnation (Or eternal heaven if you prefer)...


	6. The Best Way to go Down Stairs

A/N: Hello again folks. Yet another chapter, slightly longer this time.

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BEEP BEEP BEEP.

Gossamer groaned as she tried to hit an alarm clock that wasn't there. She could have sworn she was at home, Wally was still alive and Kevin was but a far off thought for another few hours until she had to go to her muggle elementary school. As she blinked her eyes open, she saw clearly that this was not the case. She sighed as she looked around for the source of this irritating beeping noise, as even though it woke her up in time for her first class, it was still irritating.

As she rose, she looked around the room, she noted the source of the noise; her own sister. Figures. If someone was irritating her, it was probably someone related to her. If it wasn't her mom and dad telling her she had detention, then it was her stupid sister trying to make her kill her so that her ghost could tell mummy and daddy about how she killed her. As Gossamer approached her sister, a slightly evil smile spread across her face.

"Now, Candice, what did I say LAST time you did something like this?" Gossamer asked, wishing that the stupid administration would let her have at least a small knife. It would make her life SO much easier; and a lot quieter. Candice looked at her, her normal somewhat twisted smile on her face.

"That you would play golf with Daddy's guitar and then blame it on me." She noted, barely wincing when Gossamer was nose to nose with her, baring her two slightly pointy fangs. She nodded slowly,

"Now, which one of us gets half way decent grades, and gets caught less when pulling dangerous stunts that could either get people arrested or killed?" Gossamer asked again, though before Candice could respond a ghostly head popped up from the floor. The head slightly resembled the two girls, and was roughly the age of Gossamer.

"Hey! Numbskull! Do you WANT to be late to class? I don't want to hear dad blithering on and on because you were late. AGAIN." The ghost screamed at the older sibling before looking to Candice "Squirt. Don't be obnoxious today; I know it's such a huge task for you, but we can all hope for something. It would also be nice for you to not be late." He added awkwardly before his head went back into the floor. Gossamer just looked slightly puzzled

"I always thought there was something preventing males from entering the girls' common room, even if they were ghosts. Oh crap. Now I'm going to get even LESS sleep for the next few years..." Gossamer muttered, as she looked to her ready-to-go-to-class younger sibling. "Well? Aren't you supposed to be off eating babies or something?" She asked, picking the girl up slightly and giving her a push start down the stairs.

---

Later that day, it was lunch time at Hogwarts; and at the Gryffindor table sat several additional students, a Slytherin and a Ravenclaw. Had any of the professors been paying attention, they probably would have noticed, but none of them had enough motivation (Or a large enough paycheck). At this table, was a make shift meeting of the Anti-Sue Agency.

"So, I, your local technology geek, managed to get these awesome little pager things..." The green hair boy said proudly while giving one of four pagers to each of the members. Gossamer gave him an odd look.

"Where do you keep on getting this kind of stuff? Or is this one of those questions that I REALLY don't want to hear the answer to?" She asked while poking her pager thing a bit, making sure he didn't get it from a joke shop or something; as Kevin was definitely the type to do something like that.

"I don't think you want to know." Kevin answered, giving her his rare serious look. As she shuttered slightly, Kevin explained how they work,

"Basically when people mutter the Mary Sue spell thingy, these go off and tell us where that person is so we can go snag the sue, and then problem solved!" He exclaimed, surprisingly cheerful.

"So, it doesn't involve electric jolts?" Jesse asked, also poking it slightly. Kevin sighed, and at that particular moment in time was tempted to hit Jesse over the head with a blunt object.

Just as Kevin began to raise his custom made spork, the pagers went off, causing Jesse to fall backwards and hit his head on something or another. He let out a laugh as he got back up, looking at the pager, which read '_Dungeons. Near Pro. Potter's room'_. As Gossamer looked around for any form of clock to check if she had enough time to pursue this thread, Kevin decided for her as he ran out the hall, obviously excited that the pagers worked.

As they reached the dungeons, they saw a blue eyed blond hair bombshell in Slytherin robes that were written all over in pink fabric paint. Kevin rolled his eyes as he got ready to tell her to be less perfect, she managed to scream

"EWWWWWW LOSER!!!!" She pointed at Kevin, backing away slightly. "Oh my god, I hope he doesn't come towards me... I might catch whatever disease his hair has..." She muttered. Kevin growled slightly. He had seen this girl before. She was one of the popular girls, and had been around a lot before, mostly making fun of emos and goths and freaks and geeks about their looks. He heard her father was rich, and made singing socks and other clothing items. He sighed as he lifted his wand,

"You don't know HOW long I've wanted to do this." Kevin said, looking her in the eyes for a few seconds. That is, before she screamed  
"NO! NOT ME YOU FREAK! HER! HER!" While pointing around a bend in the hall. He raised his eyebrows, and looked around the corner, spotting a very 'goffik' looking girl; her blood red eyes staring at him, with a large smirk on her face. As Kevin resisted making a horrible joke about her having the Harlequin Fetus disease, he was ran over by a boy falling, or at this point tumbling, down the stairs and across the floors.

As the boy crashed into him, all was silent, that is, before pretty much everyone within the dungeons started laughing at them. Kevin scowled as he pushed himself up from the floor, he didn't even bother looking at the boy that was no doubt Jesse. Just as Kevin got back to his feet and the laughter subsided, ANOTHER person came down the stairs in a type of falling; though this time it was more of a person cart-wheeling down the stairs. As Kevin was about to mutter something about that type of thing always happening to him, she ran into him, giggling slightly.

"Who knew that would be so fun?" Stella giggled as she got off of Kevin, who was kind of gasping. He quickly reached for his inhaler, but his actions were un-important compared to what was going on with the sue.

"Fools, pay attention to ME!!!" The Sue shouted, pouting a bit towards the end. The girl flipped her long black and red hair as she continued to talk. "I am here to deliver a message to you... CRETINS! About the troubles you are about to run into. You have angered us for the last time. You will ALL die when the time comes..." She said, screaming random words. As she finished the last words, there was a puff of fire and brimstone, and she was gone.

"That was so... Awesome..." Kevin gasped, probably because of his fixation with comics, and that reminded him of something from them. Jesse and Stella were silent, as was the girl with blond hair. As a gasping Gossamer ran down the stairs, the smell was just fading.

"-Stupid people, falling down the stairs. No one can just walk down them like a normal person anymore can they?" She muttered to herself, looking around, frowning slightly when she saw the blond girl. "I think there was a mistaken call here. Brit's about as much of a Mary Sue as my foot, even though my feet aren't particularly ugly that is..." She announced, muttering towards the end. The blond girl, Brit apparently, rolled her eyes.

"Like, duh. Do you know how long it takes to achieve these, like, perfect looks?" She bragged, messing with her hair (At this statement, everyone rolled their eyes, with obvious thoughts of egomania and narcissism running through their heads, except for Stella who was simply smiling as per usual.) With this turn of events over, they all ran back upstairs, hoping they weren't late for their next class.


	7. MidTerm MidDay Dream

A/N: Please excuse this chapter. See the bottom after you're done reading.

---

gossamr sat in da slythring comon rom. she had a razor in hre hand. sur she lookd happi wen she waz ner people, but she waznt rlly. her parntz wer ab-

"WAIT A SECOND! Nononono!" An invisible voice from the sky anounced. "I thought you said you would NOT make any of my characters suicidal OR have their parents be abusive. Neither Victoria or Synyster Feagreen are abusive... To ANY of their children. OR Luna or Murdoch Lovegood. OR Xana or Onju Prefect. OR Cecilia or Sin Thirteen. Don't bother. Just NOOOOOOO. To the audience: You may now return to your previously scheduled story." The voice finished.

gossemer loked up and shruged. "_wth waz that?_" she wondered as she put the razor down. shw waz cutting patrns on the sheetz of her bed. it waz kinda fun for her, it managed to pizz her parnts off and teh skool and kevin; all of witch wer her favorte peole to pisz off.

"GOSSAMER ANIMA FEGREEN!" she hurd, her stomack lunged. ti waz her dadz voce. it waz coming from the main slytehren cooman room. "WAT DO U WANT DAD?!?" she skremed. usually if her dad waz yellng at her she did somting rong.

"JUST GET DOWN HER!" He shoted agan. she siged as she started walkng downstars. as she got 2 da botom of da stars, she saw her dad, who had a peice of papre in his hands. "Pleze tel me how u got a 2 a's and a p on ur report card!" he sad, tryng to stay calm. hiz face waz kind of red.

Gossamer paused. how did he get a ocpy of her report card? they didnt snd them out yet! "Umm... well... I HAVE A COPY OF YOUR OLD REPORT CARD MR. STRAIGHT T'S!" she shouted, causng him to lok arnd a bit. he culdnt let NE1 see that report card. knd of lyke how he culdnt let NE1 no hiz rel name. that wuld be WAY 2 embarasing. he siged az he riped her reprt card in haf. "u r so luky." he muttered, "o yah... umm... i-gave-a-copi-2-kevin" he said quikly as he ran out of the common room 2 gossamers screaming.

---

A/N: Happy All Fools Day! And remember, this chapter NEVER happened! Gossamer usually gets straight O's. This is just her nightmare. Though her dad's report card is real. Everything else is fake.


	8. Retcon

A/N: Hai guiz

A/N: Hai guiz. It's been more then a year since I last updated this story. I'm sorry to anyone that cares. A few reviews recently have prompted me to write a new chapter or so. So yeah. Thanks to Cyberchao X. He is, in fact, awesome. Even though I don't know him. But yeah. Sorry if the characters are weird. It's been a while since I wrote for them in this, and they've mutated since. So yeah (Again).

This is a special chapter (Though not quite as special as Ebony). Enjoy the blatant self-insert :D

--

It was a cold day in Hogwarts. People had been slow recently, almost as though some god somewhere had left them to fend for themselves, and they weren't quite up to the task. Despite this, our 'heroes' were out. Sitting in their office, as they did most of the time when they had nothing else to do.

The Sues had been quiet recently. _TOO _quiet. And it worried them.

Well, it worried Jesse and Gossamer, the only two people that weren't too absorbed in themselves to notice.

"I wonder what's been happening lately... It's been so quiet." Jesse stated flat out, leaning back in his chair slightly as he thought. It was almost scary. For all he knew, all of the Sues were going to pop up at the same time and... Rape him or dress him up in women's clothing or something.

"I don't know. There haven't been a lot of Sues, that's for sure." Gossamer, shot a look over to Kevin. She knew what he was going to say.

"We could go after that vampire guy. The one in Ravenclaw." He said, right on cue.

"How many times do I have to tell you. He is not a vampire. He's a guy with a birth defect and a Romanian accent that you've been harassing nonstop since you met him. If I didn't know any better, I'd say you had a crush on hi-" Gossamer nagged to Kevin about said boy, Vlad, before being interrupted by a cold glare.

"I would never have a crush on a _vampire_." He paused for a second "Or a guy" He blurted out, coughing slightly. There was an awkward silence for a few seconds before Jesse rose.

"I'm going to go patrol the grounds. I'll be back in a bit." He grabbed his coat, his hand placing itself on the doorknob. Then the door placing itself into his nose.

Oddly, this wasn't done by him. Rather some outsides source. Like a person. Like a somewhat chubby Hufflepuff chick with long brown hair.

"Hello my minions" She said with a slight smirk. She looked down and blinked "Oops." She waited for him to rise a few seconds before gently tapping him with her boot, then stepping over him.

"Who the hell are you?" Kevin blinked, grabbing his wand and standing.

"Your god. You don't have to bow" The chick placed her hands on her hips, grinning widely. She seemed to be getting a kick out of this.

Stella, for some reason, snapped out of some sort of internal trance.

"Why are you among us?" She asked with an odd amount of sincerity.

"Glad you asked." She paused, grabbing a tissue from her pocket and blew her nose. "Cold's been going around" She explained, throwing it into a trash bin. "Anyways. The reason I am here? Retcon."

This caused everyone to blink. Besides Kevin.

"What?! Only crappy writers do that. And besides, you can't retcon real life. Noob." He rolled his eyes "Now go back to the loony bin." The chick chuckled, she saw this happening.

"I knew you would say that." She paused, "Actually, I knew you would say that because I wrote it. But, anyways." She coughed slightly "Things are going to be different around here from now on."

"You're closing us down?!" Gossamer gaped, standing. For some reason she now believed this chick was for real.

"No no, not at all." She smirked "But things have happened in the past year. Books have been published. Canon called. I must answer before your lives can go on." She paused, letting them listen. "Any objections?". The group shook their heads obediently. "Good.".

"First of all, you" She pointed to Stella. "Doesn't work. Luna only had a pair of twins. Males at that. Let's see. Another character that doesn't canonly have kids. Let's see. Oh I know." She paused again, cocking her head as she looked at Stella. Her face started contorting, changing shape. It finished in a more rounded face. The color on her robes changed to the trademark Hufflepuff colors.

"You still have the same initials even." She paused, looking at the newly christened Longbottom. "Oh yeah, and you need a haircut." With a slight nod of the head, Stella's slightly lighter blond hair was cropped to her shoulders. "Theeeere. Now you're good to go."

She turned her gaze to Gossamer.

"You."

"Nuhuh. You're not changing me." Gossamer crossed her arms.

"Already did." She laughed "Thanks to my friend Sam for the inspiration for this one. Really is a beaut. Sets you apart from me a lot. Which is good." Gossamer cocked an eyebrow and scrunched her nose in thought. She was utterly confused.

"You'll figure out what it is soon."

The strange lady looked to Kevin, and just laughed for a second. "As will he." She turned to the last person on her list.

"Oh yeah. Jesse." She blinked, he was still out of it. And his nose seemed to be bleeding. "Err... I just don't like him." She paused "What can I do to remedy this..." She clicked her tongue to her cheek a few times in thought.

"I could kill him off." She paused, shaking her head, "Nah. I do that to everyone else." She stopped for a second, her eyes widening "Ooooh. That's good." She smiled. If you can't kill someone, give them mental disease.

She coughed again into her hand "Anyways. I'm done here." She walked toward the door, leaving the group dazed and confused. They were unable to speak, it would seem. The strange Hufflepuff woman started toward the door, kicking Jesse with a giggle. "That's fun."

She was nearly out the door when she paused

"Oh yeah. And Dumbledore was gay all along."

And with that, she was gone.

And they could talk.

"What the hell was that?" Kevin blinked, running his hand through his hair.

"Dunno." Gossamer shrugged, going over to Jesse. She blinked "When'd Jesse become cute?" She asked, looking over to Kevin, "When'd YOU?" She grinned, picking up Jesse as best she could and dragging him to a wall, propping him up.

Kevin scooted away a bit. Gossamer had never said anyone was _cute_ before. Ew. A girl just called him cute. Rather, FEAGREEN just called him cute.

Stella looked down at herself, her eyes wide

"I fell scared and out of place" She whimpered, looking around now. "My memories feel funny."

Kevin shook his head, sighing.

"Am _I _actually the normal one now? How sad is tha-" He trailed off as his eyes caught on a mirror. His eyes widened. "My roots are showing..." He whispered

"MY ROOTS ARE SHOWING" He shouted again, breaking down. Never before had his brown roots surfaced. This scared him. He grabbed his coat as he started towards the door.

"Where are _you_ going?" Gossamer asked, looking up from Jesse.

"Vampire hunting."

"So help me god Kevin, if you harass Vlad one more time..." Gossamer glared full on. Vlad was a friend of hers. He had enough people harrassing him without Kevin helping. Now that she thought of it, Vlad was cute too.

"I'll send you pictures of him in the shower if you just shut up about it." Gossamer grinned, then frowned.

"It scares me that I was actually considering that." She said, letting a morbid note fall into her voice.


End file.
